YOUTH JOURNAL

A Nudge Worth Listening To

February 2009

They are calling today's weather "The Deep Freeze". It's pretty cold. My fingers got red and numb even with gloves on. Do you ever notice that the cold makes your nose run? It happens to me every day now.
 
I know I have said how cold it's been all week, but today is FREEZING. The wind whips at any exposed skin in seconds and takes one's breath away. Even with a heavy coat, a scarf and gloves on, the winter air hit me with a wallop. I haven't been out in cold like this for a very long time. I am already dreading February. It's such a dreary, cold month. Maybe it's shorter than most to give us all a break.

Last night one of my attendants was a bit short with me. I dropped a half empty salad bowl on the floor along with a fork. Not a big deal, I know, but just the day before I ended up with a flat tire from running over a strap in a wheelchair bus. In seconds the tire was off its tubing and I could barely move. After that experience, I am trying to be more careful about where and what I drive over. I am glad that a technician came quickly and that I wasn't out in the cold. Things can always be worse. I find myself often checking my tires to make sure they have enough air. It takes a few days after getting a flat tire to trust that everything is back in working order. When a wheelchair is how I function, I guess my anxieties make sense. Once I explained my recent tire troubles to my attendant, she softened. Over the years, I have found her moods to be very erratic and almost alarming sometimes. She will be sweet as honey one minute and snap the next. My moods can be just as unpredictable, so maybe being around her reminds me of my own faults and moodiness. Sometimes I feel sorry for the my boyfriend because I can be very short tempered. I feel like there are moments where he is unsure what to do, because I can be so uneven. He rarely complains, but I know I can be challenging. I am going to work on keeping to myself when I'm grumpy. My Mom reminds me that, if I have nothing pleasant to say, not to say anything at all. She's right. Good, old-fashioned "mother" wisdom stays true to life.

I heard a quote on Oprah that made me think. One of her colleagues specializing in spirituality said, "Grief is an expression of how much we have loved." In the midst of a broken heart, it's hard to think logically, but I think it's a positive thought. The more we give, the more we lose, but loving is worth the risk. Life isn't free of pain, flat tires, freezing cold, or miserable people. We deal with whatever comes our way and savour the good in between. We may go in frigid temperatures, but there will always be a warm safe place to take revenge if we choose to find it.


The other night, I kept feeling this need to head home. While out doing errands, something inside me kept saying, "go home." Usually, once I'm out and about, I get carried away and end up doing more than planned. This unmistakable nudge to do only essential jobs kept gnawing at me. Immediately upon getting home, my phone rang. Again, I felt a powerful pull to pick up the phone. I said hello a few times before hearing someone crying softly on the other end. Before long, I realized it was my best friend. Hours earlier, she had learned that her Mom has cancer. Clearly devastated, she needed a friend. Somehow, there was a higher power ensuring that friend was me. We talked. I listened. I wish I could have made all of her pain disappear, but I am so glad that I listened to that nudge. Being there to support friends is such an important opportunity. Life sucks sometimes. No one knows what the future holds, but when we feel nudges, maybe that's God's way of saying things will be OK....somehow. Perhaps I had this insight to remind me that there are more important things to worry over than a grumpy attendant.