YOUTH JOURNAL
Looking Down and Up...
June 2009
My Mom saw her cardiologist today. The news wasn't great. There is more damage to her heart than expected. I could tell she was upset when she called. How wouldn't be? My Mom said she wanted to hear that everything was fine. I don't blame her. I reminded her that she did have a large heart attack and there is bound to damage when this happens. She is worried. I am too.
Mom looks very vibrant, youthful and healthy on the outside. It's encouraging and a relief to see. Part of me thinks her outside appearance is deceiving. You wouldn't think she had even had a heart attack if you saw her on the street. It's hard to tell this about strangers I guess. I applaud her for living such a healthy life. Mom is putting herself first now. She used to put the needs of her family before her own. I am so blessed to have her. She almost left us. Whenever Mom calls, I try to call her back right away, because I want to hear her voice. Sometimes I worry about a day when she won't be here. I know we are all going to die, but I can't imagine life without Mom. How would I breathe?
Mom showed me a written report from her visit to the cardiologist. In a few places, it said she "is doing quite well." I was glad to read that. There was the word "degenerative" in there that made me feel sick. I know what that means. My former boyfriend had a degenerative disability and he died at twenty three years old. Mom and I talked. She explained to me that, since her heart attack, she has developed complications from heart disease. Obviously, such news is upsetting and worrisome. Mom has made her health her top priority and she looks very healthy. Thinking about that report makes me sad. It sucks that Mom has heart disease. It sucks that she can do all the right things and still be developing heart trouble.
I want my Mom to be one hundred per cent healthy. Every one of us wishes the same for our parents. The thing is, my Mom is one hundred per cent good. I have never met a more amazing lady. She loves us with her whole heart, so why can't her heart be healthy? It has to reach out to a lot of people.
I understand that it's useless to worry about the future. To worry about tomorrow even seems silly. How do we know what lies ahead? Would we even want to know? When my Mom's health is involved, how can I not be extremely concerned? My Mom is my world. I feel my world tilting. I try to live for now, because it's all we really have. Life ticks by in seconds, minutes, hours and days. I will not worry about what may be. Now is here. I love Mom. She knows I do. That's all that matters...
It's beautiful outside. The sun has been out all day. I feel better physically than I have in a long time. Dad called. He advised Mom to "Look down at the grass and up at the sky and and say "Thank you". I did. Life deals us unfair cards, but we're here to enjoy it, so we best look up as high as we can as often as possible. To capture the true beauty of the sky and clouds, sometimes we have to look down at the grass first.